Recipe for Using Your Voice (aka How to Speak Up)
by Heidi Behr, LCSW - Relationship skills
Recently I had a client who was having a tough time using her voice in her relationship.
I get it, that used to happen to me too.
If you’ve ever had someone who told you your thoughts didn’t matter or treated you like you didn’t matter at times, it might’ve affected your ability to have a strong voice, to be able to speak up for yourself. This could be from when you were little, when a parent or teacher dismissed you and made you feel unimportant, or it may have been from a difficult relationship. Whatever the source, it sucks to feel like you can’t speak up.
But how the heck do you get good at something you’ve never really tried before or that you feel uncomfortable doing? Think of it like this: when you don’t know how to do it, you need a good recipe or a formula.
Years ago my big brother taught me about making smoothies. Now I had NO idea how to do this, or even why I should learn how. He explained the health benefits and showed me how to make one. I had to write everything down – the exact measurements and which ingredients he used. Then I was off on my own, each day referencing the recipe, making small adjustments, trying it out. Now I’ve been making them almost daily, for years! I sometimes consult new recipes for ideas, but mostly I wing it because I feel confident now. They’re pretty tasty too.
Using your voice in relationships is similar. We get confident when we use the skills to maintain them properly (see my post The Care and Feeding of Your Relationship). Want the recipe for using your voice? Here you go:
1. Grease the wheels and reveal you feel uncomfortable but you still want to talk. It looks like this: “I want to share something with you but I’m worried about how I’ll sound with I share” or ” I’ve been wanting to talk but I get nervous that I won’t get it all out before you want to respond.”
2. Let them know what you need them to say or do (instead of their old reaction style). Be clear about your needs, “I really need you to be gentle and listen to me. I need your support and your love.” and “I love it when you tune in and listen to me and I need that now.”
3. Breathe in slowly. Open up and share the vulnerable part of yourself. “Here’s what I wanted to tell you______” or “This has been on my mind and I need you to know what I am thinking/what’s been happening to me.”
4. Thank them for listening to you with an open heart. “I really appreciate your hearing me and loving me.”
It’s gonna help you to keep breathing s-l-o-w-l-y in and out as you speak up for yourself. You will probably want to practice this with a caring friend or therapist, so you get comfortable trying out your voice.
My client used this formula and reported great success. She was so happy! Before she used her voice in this instance, we did some coaching on how to speak up while asking for what she needed from her partner; we did some EFT tapping and even a role play. It all helped her and she was deeply appreciative.
When you are using your voice for the first time in a long time (or maybe ever) you can use this recipe/formula as a guide to help you construct your thoughts, fears, and needs while you talk. It’s ok to have a cheat sheet. (It’s not really cheating. 🙂)
